I didn’t write these, but I thought I’d share them:
How the stock market works:
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”
The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works!
New terminology for business:
Due to today’s rapidly changing stock market and the financial conditions in industry, the following terms have had to be revised for investors in order to more clearly reflect today’s economic market place:
CEO — chief embezzlement officer.
CFO — corporate fraud officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS 2000 — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — an archaic word no longer in use.
401K — now a 201K, soon to be a 101K
And the $700 Billion financial bailout by Congress:
Privatizing profits by socializing risk, brought to you by the best politicians money can buy (paid for by the people who got the profits, not by those who are assuming the risk).
“Free markets” = myth.
“Too big too fail”- only companies that pay their CEO’s multiples of over 10x the lowest employees salary. Also, easily identifiable by golden parachutes, signing bonuses and no personal investment in the company.
Should the “C” in CEO stand for “Carpetbagger?”
This should end the discussion of “privatizing” Social Security once and for all (but it won’t).
And lastly- true campaign finance reform: the first step back to an America where “all men are created equal”- wake up America.