Dear Economic Development Director, Anytown USA
I’m considering moving, and am interested in seeing what kind of relocation incentive package your community will offer me. I’ve watched municipalities in my current location battle each other for developments and job creation numbers, offering all kinds of corporate welfare to justify their existence. I figure I bring value to whichever community I move to, and would like to see what you can offer.
As a 24 year-old college student, I purchased my first home for $14,500. Before the market crash it was appraised at over $128,000. 23 years, 782% rise. I then went on to purchase and rehab 4 other buildings with similar increases in value. What’s more, I served as neighborhood president, started a neighborhood for-profit development company, and was active in the marketing of the neighborhood- where it is now one of only 3 neighborhoods in the city that actually saw property tax valuations rise during the depression (calling the last economic downturn a recession is flat=out fibbing, it’s one of the reason- you have a job though, so, we’ll keep it between us).
I also started a small business, an ad agency. While my employment numbers over the last 23 years never rose above 7, on average, I employed 3 people. Considering that the SBA figures show the following:
Small businesses make up:
- 99.7 percent of U.S. employer firms
- 64 percent of net new private-sector jobs
- 49.2 percent of private-sector employment
- 42.9 percent of private-sector payroll
- 46 percent of private-sector output
- 43 percent of high-tech employment
You can use my job-creating ability as an indicator of your city’s “small business friendly quotient” which you can then market to other entrepreneurs. While I know you like to hit home runs, singles can win games.
As a community organizer/political activist, I can help advocate for innovative and new-urbanist friendly programs. Do you need an independent gadfly to promote bike share systems, year-round schools, subsidized day-care/pre-K intervention, community recreation programs, veteran owned business initiatives? I’m your guy.
My blog, which I’ve been publishing regularly since 2005 is read by all the people who know people in my city and I’m sure that before long, I’ll have your bosses reading me too. I’ve exposed; pay-to-play politics, congressman’s wives running corporate fronts for donations and doing business with a GSA schedule while her hubby sits on the allocating committee, and broke global news when a 2x Pulitzer winner quit the local paper instead of firing half of his photographers on orders from the editor. Note- I may not treat your deals with kudos, but I’m less likely to bite the hand that feeds me if you offer me a really sweet relo package.
I’m also a perennial candidate. You have nothing to worry about when it comes to me taking office, I never win. People either love me or hate me, and since I refuse to take corporate donations, or sell my soul in exchange for votes, I can help give your local elections some level of legitimacy without actually risking your incumbents’ seats. Instead of plastering the city in lame campaign signs in my last race, I hung 300 basketball nets, 3 new rims and cleared all the courts of weeds, trash, broken glass and debris. Look at my campaigns as future ways to augment your underfunded parks and rec department, while you build spec business parks and “tech incubators” with tax dollars. If you want to talk about the drone industry as the future of your region, count me in, I used to build scale models as a kid, and passed the FAST test in the Army. I’m sure that if you give me enough of an incentive package to relocate to your community- I can get a quad copter and use my SDVOB status (I’m a service disabled veteran- who will own a business in your community) to bid on big government contracts for drone research.
I have no kids, so I’m not worried if you fund your schools adequately, or that they even perform. My city gave General Electric a 30-year hall pass from having to fund our schools, all while GE claims to need highly paid engineers to make up its workforce.
To sum up, I’m looking to locate in a JEDD (Joint Economic Development District) where my blue-collar employees are charged an income tax, but my white-collar employees are not. I’d also like a TIF- Tax Increment Financing, where instead of paying taxes to the municipality, I pay them to myself for “investment.” I’d like a relocation and training incentive, where you pay half the salaries of all my employees for the first 5 years if they previously worked at a higher paying job, but are eligible for “retraining assistance.” I’d also like it if you paid 100% of any classes my hires take at your very fine taxpayer-subsidized community college, even if it’s funded by taxpayers in an adjoining county.
I’d also like some guaranteed contracts with your local governments, grants from your local taxpayer-funded “venture capital fund” and ED/GE grants for job creation and retention.
I figure with these kinds of “economic development” assistance programs, this community activist can add true value to your community and you can add one more reason to keep you employed in redistributing tax dollars for public service into private pockets.
Bid packages are due the first week in January.
(note, I’m not going anywhere, sorry- I just thought I’d write something humorous for the holidays, sorry all of those that wish I’d go away)