My relocation incentive package

Dear Economic Development Director, Anytown USA

I’m considering moving, and am interested in seeing what kind of relocation incentive package your community will offer me. I’ve watched municipalities in my current location battle each other for developments and job creation numbers, offering all kinds of corporate welfare to justify their existence. I figure I bring value to whichever community I move to, and would like to see what you can offer.

As a 24 year-old college student, I purchased my first home for $14,500. Before the market crash it was appraised at over $128,000. 23 years, 782% rise. I then went on to purchase and rehab 4 other buildings with similar increases in value. What’s more, I served as neighborhood president, started a neighborhood for-profit development company, and was active in the marketing of the neighborhood- where it is now one of only 3 neighborhoods in the city that actually saw property tax valuations rise during the depression (calling the last economic downturn a recession is flat=out fibbing, it’s one of the reason- you have a job though, so, we’ll keep it between us).

I also started a small business, an ad agency. While my employment numbers over the last 23 years never rose above 7, on average, I employed 3 people. Considering that the SBA figures show the following:

Small businesses make up:

  • 99.7 percent of U.S. employer firms
  • 64 percent of net new private-sector jobs
  • 49.2 percent of private-sector employment
  • 42.9 percent of private-sector payroll
  • 46 percent of private-sector output
  • 43 percent of high-tech employment

You can use my job-creating ability as an indicator of your city’s “small business friendly quotient” which you can then market to other entrepreneurs. While I know you like to hit home runs, singles can win games.

As a community organizer/political activist, I can help advocate for innovative and new-urbanist friendly programs. Do you need an independent gadfly to promote bike share systems, year-round schools, subsidized day-care/pre-K intervention, community recreation programs, veteran owned business initiatives? I’m your guy.

My blog, which I’ve been publishing regularly since 2005 is read by all the people who know people in my city and I’m sure that before long, I’ll have your bosses reading me too. I’ve exposed; pay-to-play politics, congressman’s wives running corporate fronts for donations and doing business with a GSA schedule while her hubby sits on the allocating committee, and broke global news when a 2x Pulitzer winner quit the local paper instead of firing half of his photographers on orders from the editor. Note- I may not treat your deals with kudos, but I’m less likely to bite the hand that feeds me if you offer me a really sweet relo package.

I’m also a perennial candidate. You have nothing to worry about when it comes to me taking office, I never win. People either love me or hate me, and since I refuse to take corporate donations, or sell my soul in exchange for votes, I can help give your local elections some level of legitimacy without actually risking your incumbents’ seats. Instead of plastering the city in lame campaign signs in my last race, I hung 300 basketball nets, 3 new rims and cleared all the courts of weeds, trash, broken glass and debris. Look at my campaigns as future ways to augment your underfunded parks and rec department, while you build spec business parks and “tech incubators” with tax dollars. If you want to talk about the drone industry as the future of your region, count me in, I used to build scale models as a kid, and passed the FAST test in the Army. I’m sure that if you give me enough of an incentive package to relocate to your community- I can get a quad copter and use my SDVOB status (I’m a service disabled veteran- who will own a business in your community) to bid on big government contracts for drone research.

I have no kids, so I’m not worried if you fund your schools adequately, or that they even perform. My city gave General Electric a 30-year hall pass from having to fund our schools, all while GE claims to need highly paid engineers to make up its workforce.

To sum up, I’m looking to locate in a JEDD (Joint Economic Development District) where my blue-collar employees are charged an income tax, but my white-collar employees are not. I’d also like a TIF- Tax Increment Financing, where instead of paying taxes to the municipality, I pay them to myself for “investment.” I’d like a relocation and training incentive, where you pay half the salaries of all my employees for the first 5 years if they previously worked at a higher paying job, but are eligible for “retraining assistance.”  I’d also like it if you paid 100% of any classes my hires take at your very fine taxpayer-subsidized community college, even if it’s funded by taxpayers in an adjoining county.

I’d also like some guaranteed contracts with your local governments, grants from your local taxpayer-funded “venture capital fund” and ED/GE grants for job creation and retention.

I figure with these kinds of “economic development” assistance programs, this community activist can add true value to your community and you can add one more reason to keep you employed in redistributing tax dollars for public service into private pockets.

Bid packages are due the first week in January.

(note, I’m not going anywhere, sorry- I just thought I’d write something humorous for the holidays, sorry all of those that wish I’d go away)

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10 Responses

  1. Rahn Keucher December 29, 2013 / 2:44 pm

    Tee hee. 
    I also would like a similar deal. I presently sell table bread to fine dining independent restaurants in and around Dayton – those that still exist and haven’t been squeezed out by the chains. I also need a couple of new ovens, two new trucks and some air conditioning. You could also throw in a sweetheart deal where I supply universities and hospitals with the lovely and quite profitable no  bid contract.

    Brilliant or Bozo? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  2. Lynn December 30, 2013 / 6:19 am

    Even if you were serious, there is no retention efforts that the city of Dayton makes.  Funny how they keep trying to find ideas to bring people in but nothing on how to keep citizens so a revolving door exists at least for the ones that can get out.

    Brilliant or Bozo? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

  3. Diane December 30, 2013 / 1:55 pm

    David, sometimes you just crack me up. I realize that your comments were made tongue in cheek, but for a moment there I thought you had finally come to your senses and were ditching Dayton for good. 
    Speaking of ditching Dayton, our family got some terrific news a few weeks ago. My #1 son will start at Vanderbilt University next fall and will be safely out of OH, hopefully forever.
    One down, one to go, and then I too will be free to sell and run. Counting the days…

    Smackdown!. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 7

  4. Joe P December 30, 2013 / 2:01 pm

    Don’t worry, Diane. There’s plenty to be miserable about in other states too! You’ll find it soon enough!

    Well-loved. Brilliant: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 2

  5. Diane December 30, 2013 / 10:54 pm

    Oh, I’m not miserable, Joe P. On the contrary, I’m optimistically anticipating moving back to PA. Call me giddy. And there’s no way my kids will ever put down roots in the Dayton area. They know there is more to life than sitting around talking about those good ol’ days – Wilbur and Orville and Rike’s Christmas windows. They’re also both smart enough to know that they have to chase their dreams, and opportunity beckons beyond the rust belt.

    Smackdown!. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 4

  6. Dave C. December 31, 2013 / 11:52 am

    One thing’s for sure : If you move out of Dayton, it will be far less convenient to take DAVID ESRATI’S FABULOUS WEBSITEOLOGY CLASS! A one-day journey into the wonders of WordPress, hosted by the Man, the Legend, the Techno-Mensch himself….DAVID ESRATI!
    ——————-
    Seriously, folk, it’s a great class.

    Brilliant or Bozo? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 3

  7. Gene December 31, 2013 / 3:12 pm

    Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

    Poorly-rated. Bozo: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 5

  8. David Esrati December 31, 2013 / 3:46 pm

    Thank you Dave C. The next seminar is Thur, Jan 23rd. http://www.websitetology.com

    Brilliant or Bozo? Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

  9. Tom McMasters January 4, 2014 / 3:06 pm

    Huber Heights currently has an interim City Manager.  Eventually a permanent City Manager will be hired.  Why don’t you send your resume in so it is available for the decision makers when that time comes?

    Brilliant or Bozo? Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  10. David Esrati January 4, 2014 / 6:24 pm

    Tom, I doubt that my resume would fit the “mold” that your group is looking for. Running a small business and being a community activist is far from what communities look for these days. It’s really too bad, because the city manager is really supposed to be a visionary leader and an engaged point person. I’ve been watching Huber Heights as they try to become Kettering North.
    I’m flattered by your suggestion, and may forward a resume just to add someone to the pool, but I’d be surprised if I even made the cut for interviews.

    Brilliant or Bozo? Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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